Dear Travis

I can't explain it. I feel as strong and calm as I've ever felt in my entire life today. I don't know where it comes from. Yesterday was terrible. I was so near the edge only fingernail was holding on the proverbial ciff of sanity.

I wish I could transfer how I feel to mom and dad and to everyone else who loves and misses you and hurt so very deeply since you've been gone. Five years. Wow. Seems so long ago and yet still so sudden.

Of course I still get mad at you from time to time and then I'll feel guilt for it. Then I get mad at myself and feel guilty for that too. Or I'll get so down that I start to believe I completely understand the why - You know, THE WHY, that's all anyone can ever seem to think about. I mostly just nod along when someone starts talking about it. When I know the why and if everyone who wants to know why actually knew why they would certainly wish they had never found out once they did. I gotta little rhymage for you:

"You're in heaven/He's in Hell,
If there are really angels/Then please ring that bell"

Yeah, it needs work. Just a freestyle, you know. I've got something even better. Yesterday on my drive home from work I was listening to the ipod on shuffle and the perfect song came on at the perfect moment. It's a live recording of Pearl Jam covering the Dead Moon song "It's OK". I don't have the details of when or where it was recorded but Eddie turns it into a sing-along with the very lucky crowd. Here be the lyrics:

It's okay, we've all seen better days
It's okay, you don't have to run and hide away
It's okay, It's okay, yeah we love you anyway

For in those reckless moments
When doubt is creeping in your head
Feeling like you've lost your youth
And the dreams you had are cold and dead
I can't reach you anymore
That's gonna take a different man
I can't protect you like before
You've slipped beyond my hands
But it's okay.......

I wish that I could light the path
That leads to a life of no mistakes
Hold you from the damned be done
That living out of safety seems to take
I remember still the child in you
As if only yesterday
It was easy to break through
I only had to kiss the pain
But it's okay.......

This is my chance, this is my life
And my opening hour
This is my choice, this is my voice
There may be no tomorrow
This is my plea, this is my need
This is my time for standing free
This is my step, this is my depth
In a world demanding of me
But is's okay....

Well your old buddy Sam just came by so I better say goodbye, again.

Peace, Love & Proximity
Jon-Michael